“When should I have sex with the person I’m dating?”
It’s a question that has long vexed singles in search of some magical sex timeline. That’s where the so-called “three-date rule” came in — a guideline that says you should go on three dates before sleeping with a new love interest.
It’s unclear where or how the rule, which was later popularized by “Sex And The City,” originated. But clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel said he believes it emerged sometime in the late 1980s or early 1990s.
“The three-date rule is one of those things that people love to quote but nobody can ever cite,” he told HuffPost, adding that it is “steeped in traditional social convention” and maintains “heterosexist gender role expectations around dating.”
For straight women, the guideline is intended to make sure she doesn’t appear too “easy” so she can uphold the “‘good-girl-protecting-her-virtue’ stereotype,” Siegel said.
“It’s based on the old trope that men won’t respect a woman who is too willing to have sex on the first date,” he said.
Sex and dating coach Myisha Battle called the rule “sex negative,” but said it does reflect a common experience straight women encounter in the dating scene: being written off by a guy they’re seeing after having sex with them.
“It’s funny how we don’t have a rule against that!” Battle told HuffPost.
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On the other hand, for straight men, the three-date rule is thought to be about not appearing too eager or aggressive.
“The three-date rule became a clear standard to follow so he will not appear like a loser or a creep for trying to move in too early or disinterested and an a-hole for waiting too long,” Siegel said.
The Three-Date Rule Has Its Problems, But Can We Learn Anything From It?
Battle called the three-date rule an “outdated notion” because it suggests that your value as a potential partner increases if you resist having sex — even when you very much want to sleep with your date.
Three is an arbitrary number that doesn’t take into account how long you’ve known each other, how you feel about each other or how you define a date or sex, for that matter.
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