Opinion: I love football, but I’m a parent. After Damar Hamlin, what now?

Editor’s Note: Paul Rieckhoff is an independent activist, US Army infantry combat veteran, the host of Independent Americans, President of Righteous Media, founder of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA) and the author of “Chasing Ghosts: Failures and Facades in Iraq, A Soldier’s Perspective.” He was also a guard, linebacker and tight end on the James I O’Neill High School and Amherst College football teams. The opinions expressed in this commentary are his own. View more opinion at CNN.

CNN
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The cardiac arrest suffered by 24-year-old Damar Hamlin in the NFL’s Monday night game between the Cincinnati Bengals and Buffalo Bills shocked and riveted America.

A few hours earlier, I watched my two young sons playing tackle playground football on an unusually warm winter day. They were off from school for the New Year’s holiday.

I was talking to another dad who like me played college football and has an 8-year-old son (one year older than my oldest). We chatted about his son’s first experience playing full tackle football in pads this fall. I can’t see letting my son hit that early. Or maybe ever. I just can’t.

But at the same time, I know football totally changed (and probably saved) my life in a way like nothing else has—except maybe the military. It’s an inner conflict you probably only know if you played or grew up around the game. Or if you’ve served in uniform.

I don’t have answers, only experience and perspective.

I have a hard time explaining it all to folks who haven’t experienced it. They’re not the same, but it often feels a bit like when I’m trying to explain why I joined the military to people who never did. It’s just very difficult to fully understand it all unless you’ve lived it.

Especially the trauma. It’s real. The trauma of seeing a teammate go down. The trauma of being hit so hard you see stars and almost pass out. The trauma of seeing a kid you’re coaching go down. The trauma of seeing your own kid go down.

It’s impossible to fully communicate why we do it – what it feels like, the highs, why we love it so much despite the risks. Why we’d probably still have played even if we knew then what we know now.

I fought my mom until I was 13 to…